This is why I am terrible at keeping a blog—because I fail to update it. The problem is, I think of all my best material while I am driving, and then forget to write it down when I get home. They need an app that begins recording when you start talking to yourself. And it needs to be voice-activated so you don’t have to operate your phone while driving, thus turning you into both a road hazard and an asshole. I guess there would have to be a code word or phrase to let the app know you’re talking to it and not to another person. For me it’d be something like, “goddamn motherfucking moron,” because then it would always be on when I’m driving, ready to record my random musings.
Excuses, excuses. I’ve also had real paying work to do, and then we moved, and then I had to spend over an hour this morning clearing space on my iPhone so I could update to iOS 8, which means the only music I now have on my phone is Raffi and Casper Babypants. Raffi is to Calvin what Ani DeFranco was to all 10th grade girls in the mid ‘90s. Raffi truly gets what it’s like to be him. He is that little white whale on the go. And no, he doesn’t know how oats and beans and barley grow, but does anyone? Like, whatever. You wouldn’t understand.
Now we’re in a rental house that hasn’t been substantially updated since it was built in 1954, so it has a few quirks. Like there are no exhaust fans in the bathrooms, so they always smell a little like poop.
Freelancing hasn’t completely degenerated into a Candy Crush marathon, but that’s partially because I am stuck on Level 400 (I covered a lot of ground during my three days of labor with Calvin, so stop judging me). Also I continue to be asked to take on new projects, which is great, if also presenting an ongoing challenge to my secret desire to be a complete hermit and never have to wear real pants.
I guess I’ll just have to find some blog post topics on the internet, at least once I exhaust all pet-related themes. Potential topics I’ve already considered and rejected:
- Ebola: Meh. Is anyone else far less concerned about Ebola given the fact that it doesn’t cause reanimation of the brain stem after a person dies?
- Mid-term Elections: I live in Georgia, where our state politics tend to be scarier than if the Ebola virus actually was airborne and did cause corpses to rise from the dead with a hankering for human flesh.
- ISIS: Ranks higher than Ebola but lower than current Republican politics on the “Shit That Makes Me Wonder if I Should Have Brought a Child into this World Scale.”
- Renee Zellweger’s Face: I once knew a woman who had had so much plastic surgery, she looked like the mayor of Whoville. There has to be some kind of pathology there, or at least an addiction to pain killers.
- NCAA Football Play-Offs: Subjective selections determined by a small committee of questionably informed individuals intended to create marginal enhancements to a capricious system devised by an institution that relies upon public deception, arbitrary application of rules, and taking advantage of those it claims to protect to further its own financial gains—Condoleezza Rice should fit right in!
I’ll have to spend some quality time with the DVR tonight catching up on episodes of The Daily Show to learn of other current events on which I should form cursory opinions. I’m also like four episodes behind on Scandal, so I may not have time to post again for another month. My devoted audience of zero will have to endure.
...and dragons 
